"Upside Down Girl"

As I pressed my feet into the leather straps, my arms lying at my sides, I re-positioned my shoulder blades underneath my back to hold my weight away from my head. Pressing my triceps into the mat, I took a deep breath and swung my legs up, toes in line with my nose, a leg's length above me. My whole body tensed as I focused completely on keeping my 130 pounds of pressure off of my head. I curled my torso to lay each vertebra down in turn, completing the move by bending my knees and pulling my heels back toward my body. "Short spine massage", that's what it's called. Short spine is one of my favorite moves in Pilates, but most days I can't do it because of the pressure it puts on my head. I've adopted various ways to modify moves that would otherwise take me upside down, because if I don't, if I'm stubborn and do them anyway, I get a painful, throbbing reminder that my skull is still growing back together. Even hanging my head down pools blood in it, leaving me shooting my hand to the left side of my head to steady myself, as if my touching my head I can make the pain go away.

Today before by 4:30 class, I unscrewed the child-proof cap of the Advil bottle in my bathroom, downing two gel capsules with stale water as I ran out the door clad in black lycra-spandex and a gray tank top. I've gotten in the habit of taking Tylenol or Advil as a preventative measure before Pilates or yoga. It does help, even if my over-ambition this afternoon left me with a headache. Still, it was worth it to be able to do more, do everything the other students do. So many days I sit there, envious, as they contort themselves, balancing on their heads and shoulders while I do various core-centric leg lifts. But not today.

I've been thinking lately about my current limitations within Pilates. I want to, and am planning to, do the instructor training program that starts this fall. Pilates is like my own personal therapy, teaching me how to control each little muscle in the body I felt betrayed me. If seizures made me feel helpless, Pilates made me feel powerful. I want to give that confidence, that reassurance that we still have control, to others. The only problem is that I have to be able to do all of the moves through Level 5. Right now, I can't do that; I can do modified versions of almost anything, but as soon as I have to go upside down, it all depends on how my head is feeling that day. I'm just hoping that by the time the next class starts, I'll be able to keep up.

I smiled as I extended my legs over the lowered reformer bar. I did it. I did it and I felt great. My instructor grinned as she walked over to me, "Look at you! You're upside down girl today!"