Never Have I Ever

I always hated that game when I was younger. While all of the other teenagers or college kids put down fingers or took drinks with a sly I'm-busted-for-something-cool-and-notorious-making, I sat on the edge and tried not to call attention to my full cup and the five fingers that all still stood at attention. I was never part of the popular elite like my sister and I was never the bad girl or wild child but I'm okay with that. I never snuck out of the house, I was always home by curfew and called if I was going to be late, I've never even smoked a cigarette and didn't drink until college. I've never punched someone and never gotten detention, let alone been arrested. I did slap someone once, but he asked for it and we're good now. At 26, there are plenty of things I've never done, and while it was embarrassing from time to time when I was younger, I have no regrets. I'm a goody-two-shoes and that's fine. There's just one thing I haven't done that from time to time makes me sheepish: I've never seen someone have a tonic-clonic seizure.

Last week, I was on a Google Plus Hangout video chatting session with some other epilepsy bloggers. "Meeting" them and swapping stories was great - they're all talented, dedicated people who are doing their part to make the world a more seizure-friendly place. We talked about what kinds of seizures we and ours have and I was amazed, as always, at how many different kinds exist. "You know what I'm talking about," was usually true, but a few times I hung back, hesitant, feeling like I should know more than I do. How haven't I ever seen someone have a grand mal seizure? I mean, I'm an epilepsy blogger! What kind of fraud must I be? I glanced at my untouched ginger ale and flashed back to an outstretched palm.

Why is it that we all want to be included so badly that we find ourselves wishing for terrible things? Staring into my computer on the tall kitchen table in my shoebox apartment, I realized what I was thinking and felt a little ridiculous. Would it be easier to relate if I'd seen one? Probably, but I should be glad, grateful, that my friends and family have never had them and none of the kids at the Epilepsy Foundation of Colorado's summer camp had one at lunch, walking through the Estes Park YMCA or, God forbid, on the ropes course. I remind myself of that whenever I'm feeling insecure, unsure if I'm really qualified to write about epilepsy.

On that note, here is a video of a generalized tonic-clonic seizure from the point of view of the man having it. It's a very powerful video and I recommend following the instructions: wait for it to load completely before starting it, turn off all the lights and wear headphones. It's very illuminating if you've, like me, never seen one or, like me, had one many years ago in the middle of the night and don't remember anything.

Kudos and thanks to Nathan Jones for doing such a great job with this and letting me post it here for you.