I’ve become really good at breaking down when I go back to the hospital in my mind. Now reading through the lines and seeing the pain and fear behind the words pulls the tears up into my eyes.
But no, it’s not just the pain and fear, it’s also the love and hope. The pain and fear remind me of mine and compound it by adding the guilt I feel as a reflex for causing that in other people. All of that suffering makes me want to hug myself so I can hold that girl, the one who lived that blessed and graceful nightmare, and tell her it’s all going to be okay. But then the love. I read an email from my little sister to the rest of my family in response to an update my mom sent out after the second surgery:
“Erica and our whole family come from the most amazing support group. I get tears every time I see all these prompt responses, prayers, good wishes, blog hits, and love. I am in awe and so grateful for all of you- but most of all my sister who is the absolute epitome of kindness and positivity.
Thank you all for showing me and each other how much one person can be loved and supported by family and friends.
With gratitude and love,
Greta”
There was so much love surrounding me, so many people telling me I was courageous and inspiring and all of these things that I never would have thought to call myself. Where was it coming from? How could all of these people care so much? Who the hell was I to be on the receiving end of so much? I didn’t get it. I still don’t. But Lord, do I appreciate it.
Dear eggdaughter3 (Erica), I like you have just recently had brain surgery to stop my seizures. I too have had seizures since childhood because of my brain never developed in the womb to full capacity. I am 55yrs old female and just learned that truth this past January 2011. Like you, I have so many of the same feelings, thoughts, and experiences. I have to say I am very grateful for my experiences& support from family, friends, (more friends than I ever thought I had)and strangers that I've never met cause friends and family put me on prayer chains around the world. I am so impressed with you and your story and journalism. I started my journal after my surgery (lobectomy on my left temporal lobe), but at times I was in to much pain or I am not good with a pc.,and writing seemed to take me so long that I stopped. Those are my excuses, I realize now I was experiencing a whole new life, and living in the moment of life I never truly experienced before my surgery. Before, I was living in a fog,at times so thick I couldn't remember what I did the day before. My seizures were affecting my long term and short term memory. I say I was existing, not living.I have a VNS didn't help, and on 20 different medication that didn't help either. I was at the point where surgery or living like this the rest of my life. I was afraid, but I didn't want to be like this. Mayo gave me a 60% chance for no more seizures or less seizures. Hey, I'll take less, I said to myself. After surgery Dr. raised it to 70% recovery of success. It's been 4 months and I am still seizure free, and so very grateful. Last Fri.9th, I fell down my steps being in a hurry and broke my foot. I've cried because I am laid up for 7 to 8 weeks, can't work in my gardens, smell the roses, meditate while digging weeds and nurturing my flowers and vegetables & herbs. After all I live in MN. and there is only 3 months at the most of warm weather, lol. After reading your journey in Mn. Epilepsy, I believe I can say that my journey of life can be helpful to others too, even if it is one chip at a time. I'd like to say my broken foot was a message to slow down, take one step at a time, learn and share and a way to give back to others. I hope we keep in touch. My address: sharon.spilman@gmail.com
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