Remembering Lessons Learned

Two and a half months since it was shaved, my hair is long enough to curl again. Just a little, not a full curl rotation, but I can tell it's coming, especially in my bangs. I'm not sure how I feel about curl versus curl-less, but I have about a week before I need to cross that bridge.

That's not what I wanted to write about though.

I used to talk about how I needed to learn how to depend on others, not try to do everything on my own, and during the surgery I learned. Lying in a hospital bed, not able to sit up, too weak to feed myself, scared and in pain, I had no choice but to lean on the support and love of everyone around me. My mind foggy, my body tired, I finally saw that they'd been there all along, arms up, hands waiting to catch me.

Figuring that out changed me. I understood, really understood on a basic level, that people want to help, and accepting that help doesn't make me any less strong or less able. Life became easier, happier, when I began to let people in. Now the challenge is to remember that.

I'm back in Colorado, and without my parents to ask for help from, it's easy to slip back into not asking for help for fear of bothering anyone. The problem with that is that I still need help, and furthermore, people want to help. People like to be needed, and right now, I need them, both for emotional support and physical support. Moving back into my shoebox, there are a lot of things that need lifting and shoving and bending and carrying, and I can't do that. Wait, let me amend that: I can do it, but I shouldn't do it. I'm able to lift heavier things, but I'm still not supposed to. What I'm supposed to do is figure out another way to get the heavy box full of my books up three floors to my apartment, meaning ask someone else to help me. I haven't tried it yet, but I'm guessing the power drill follows similar rules. It's frustrating when I know I can do something but needing to get somebody else to do it for me.

I guess there is a silver lining though, because despite my frustrations, my limitations are forcing me to remember the lessons I learned back when I didn't have a choice but to let people in.